A Journey of Presence, 30 Years in the Making

"It wasn't the ideal journey nor the desired destination. It wasn't my plan, but it was part of His.

In the lack and limits, in the exhaustion of endless days and the everyday, He wills for me to not just survive but to thrive, to know Him.

Jesus finds His way  into the inconvenient parts of our life. He rarely waits for our preparation or perfection.

And even when I lack obedience, He is so good that He often takes simple compliance as partnership.

The miracle is His; I receive it. I co-labor and bear it. When it's fully realized, I may very well bless the burden, the journey, the inconvenience that was my privilege to endure.

Ultimately, everything hinges on presence. Ideally mine but always His.

It's what, it's who, is at the center and makes us His."

(I stole the above idea from a friend that had written something similar about the Holy Family at Advent and made it my own but I want to give him credit for the inspiration. Thanks Joe!)

Those above sentences sum up my journey so far in this life. From the beginning my life has not been ideal and I may not be exactly where I want to be or where I pictured I'd be at this time in my life. But I really believe it is God’s plan (cue the Drake song). 

Many say I started out life already behind and already at a disadvantage, I think it is in the lack and in the limits that I was blessed and given not only a way to be equal but maybe even an advantage. I was able to rely fully on God. I was shown that God is able to do things that no human can do, He can heal in places and ways that we can’t even fathom. He will mend us and bring us back from the brink time and time again because He loves us. 

It has been 30 years since my heart transplant. Today is 30 years! My parents were told I wouldn’t live a year when I was born, I was told that a transplant patient’s average life expectancy was 10 years! A little over a year ago, September 2022 I was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer, I am still here! Not because of me, but because of Him; He wills it. In the exhaustion, in the endless days of going through pain, stress over countless little things that in the long run don’t really matter, He is there. He wills me to thrive, He wills me to grow closer to Him. Jesus always finds to be with us in our ugliness in our pain. It’s never a convenient time but He is always there. He came to restore us and to bring peace and healing to us and He has done this time and again for me. 

The miracle has always been His, He has always been the one that gets the glory and the blame for me still being around. I may be the one who is stubborn and who takes the treatment, but He is the one who pulls me through and tells me Talitha Koum (Little girl, arise!) I receive it, sometimes not so gracefully but always gratefully! And now that I am taking time to reflect on this past year and most especially the past 30 years I do bless the burden and the privilege. I give thanks for the opportunity to grow closer to Him and to witness His mercy and healing.

This past year with chemo and radiation treatments, I was pretty healthy throughout all of it until towards the end when I received the larger treatments, but even then it wasn’t that bad for me. I learned so many lessons, had a few losses but am thankful for His presence and His healing. The past 30 years have also been a huge blessing. A young lady gave her life so that I could live, and I try everyday to not take that for granted; to celebrate not only her life but mine as well. I have been able to do so much, see so much because of that gift. God allowed me to have this extra time and I will forever be thankful for every extra moment I get. 

This lent I am going to focus on my presence, to Him, to me and to others. He is always present, I should be too. It may have taken me 30 years to learn this lesson, but at least I'm starting to catch on.

I want to thank all my friends and family for your love and prayers through the years. I am grateful for all you teach me. I pray you all feel God’s presence every day but especially when things are difficult, and I hope you all know how much you mean to me!

You Never Fight Alone

I've seen this quote so many times recently, "You never fight alone!" and though I've always known God fights with and for me, sometimes it can feel like the storm that is raging in front of us has also isolated us from the world. People say they are with us but in the end we are the only ones in the battle. It's so easy to to get lost in the chaos.

A couple months ago I was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. My immediate response was anger. I mean seriously, I've never even looked at a cigarette in a desirable manor. Out of all the cancers this is the one? REALLY!?!?

I told God that if I had to take chemo I was out. I'm done fighting. I felt I had been fighting for life since the moment I was born. It's just not worth it anymore. The next morning I woke up and remembered I who I was. I looked at the tattoo on my wrist, I had gotten it this summer, Talitha Koum, and it reminded me that Jesus is telling me to rise. To get up, that this fight is not over and I will not fight alone. I was born a warrior and that is what I do, I fight! My whole mindset had changed overnight and I no longer was angry in fact I saw The Holy Spirit all over this with me.  

The last couple months have been pretty fast paced and kind of unreal as we gather information to go into battle. Every day I need to remember that I am a daughter of THE KING, I will not let this stand in my way of loving and living. There have been a few set backs, a close encounter with death, finding people to be "care takers", and other small things but there have been beautiful parts too.

The other day I received an envelope from some of my teens from Tinley Park. I was so moved.  Those kiddos are always on my heart and I love them dearly. All of the letters were awesome but one of the letters I received hit me right in the feels. He is now a student atThe University of Notre Dame and talked about how he has been praying for me daily at the grotto. He told me that a couple weeks ago after the trumpeters (he plays trumpet in the band) played in front of the grotto after a game. When they were done he and a few other players were approached to take a picture with some people and hold a sign, something that happens often.  He said on the sign it said "In this family, no one fights alone." And it had the lung cancer ribbon on it. He said he knew that it was for me and he believes that God was telling him I'd be okay. 

How beautiful. How blessed. How incredibly loved am I, that not only am I loved by my heavenly Father but by all those He has placed around me. I'm not afraid for I know God surrounds me in this.  I know there are people on my side ready to go to battle for and with me.  

My prayer for you, whatever you may be going through, is that you know You are being held. You have not been lost in the chaos of it all. If you are feeling like you are lost in the chaos, you're not, if you feel completely isolated, you're not, people you may not even know may just be right beside you fighting for and with you and even if they aren't, God is. You are NEVER alone. I'm there too!

May you feel God surrounding you in your storm!

Good Friday Lessons

"Can you spend time with Jesus, in a special way?"

This Lenten season I went to Confession and was given a penance that I wasn't sure how I would be able to fulfill.  The priest said to me, "As your penance, Can you spend time with Jesus in a special way on Good Friday."  Me being a person of "letter of the law" (only when it comes to God) instead of "spirit of the law" asked the priest what he meant by that.  He told me how I chose to do this was up to me and that I would have to figure out how to do that.  

Knowing I was planning on driving to my brother and sister-in-law's house (about a 4 1/2 hour drive) for the Easter weekend I wasn't sure I would be able to do anything special for Jesus that day.  I prayed about what I could do in order to fulfill this penance knowing it was especially important because this was Lent after all and it was going to be Good Friday!  How can I say no to God on Good Friday?  I didn't really come up with any answers because I do a daily Rosary already and I wouldn't have time to sit in front of a tabernacle before I left or after I got there I decided I would just depend on Him to provide me with an answer.  I really should know better than to pray this way.  He always takes it a step too far and I know this, but it is always out of love and in the end it is always what I need.  

As I left home I pulled into a gas station to fill up.  As I stood there waiting for the car to get full I talked with my faithful road trip companion (Gracie, my dog) for a few moments.  I looked back at the gas pump and saw that only $1 something had gone into the tank.  I asked the man beside me if the pump was slow or if it was just mine.  He affirmed my suspicions that it was indeed going slow. It took me 20 minutes to fill up!  (Maybe God is telling me to slow down and take time for Him.)  So I began my Rosary.  Not too far into Missouri (and 2 hours after I had left home and still 3 hours from my brother's)  my car overheated and I found myself stranded on the side of the road.  Let me explain that I am not a person that asks for help and I also do not accept it very often, but I am learning.  I did something though that I don't normally do, I text both my sister-in-law and my best friend to let them know I was stranded.  I moved my car to a nearby gas station and both best friend and my brother called to help me figure out a solution. Unfortunately ended my road trip and Easter with my family. 

As I sat at the gas station waiting to go back home I began to complain to God (as I often do) this was not how I wanted to spend my Easter.  This was not how I wanted to spend my Good Friday!  I had plans, I had just moved 3 states away from most of my family and this was the first Easter I would be away from my dad and sister and larger family!  This was so not fair!  Then it dawned on me, I bet Jesus didn't want to spend His Good Friday the way He did either.  I bet He wanted to be with His mom and disciples.  He probably didn't think it was unfair, but I bet He was sad too and maybe a little disappointed. Instead of being upset I just laughed because He always shows me a way to appreciate what I do have.  I have a best friend and her family nearby who put their plans on pause to help me.  I have an amazing little niece who had her mommy text me later to say, "tell Aunt Holly that we can have another Easter next time she visits" and that she will pray for me and my car in her evening prayers.

I know life is hard, I know it all too well.  It isn't going as I planned and perhaps I'm not even sticking to His plan very well.  But I know that He will find a way for me to spend some "special" time with Him if I am open to it.  And I need to remember that I can always, with His Grace, have another Easter!